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08 February 2016 @ 03:47 pm
Introspectiveness is a state of being that I have come to loathe. Alongside with it comes the chanting of reflect, reflect, reflect, a litany much dreaded from university days. The training long over, now here I am: a professional chucked out into the supersaturated job market, shiny and new.

New could encapsulate what 2015 was for me. I did a lot of new things. I went to a lot of new places. I spoke to a lot of new people. None of them were new. But the feeling of challenge to all of these things is what made it all new for me; it could also be that I had never felt so truly alone in my life.

And it was thrilling.

Loneliness was equal parts daunting and rewarding. I did lots of frantic paperwork. I questioned the systems put in place. Then I proceeded to question my boss and made him try to right a wrong so inherently wrong he could not even begin to fathom how wrong it was. I kissed a too-wet, too-eager mouth under flashing lights. I smoked and drank often with a man I disliked but deeply lusted for. I watched the same man look at me with the same amount of lust and then pull away from kissing me. I grappled with the concepts of loyalties and friendship and how much the two went hand in hand. I asked myself if I would ever be an ideal Indian girl. I wondered while waving a silver light stick if it was possible to fall in love with the feeling of being free and so inexplicably young.

The world is changing. Concepts are changing. Morality, ideals, social norms, some of these are also changing.

My life has been lived out in several countries. Where do I belong? When will my PTSD magically disappear? When will I ever be happy? What is happiness? Is it also another social construct? I asked myself these questions when I burst into tears and locked my bedroom door and threw things around at the age of twenty. Downstairs, my father did the same thing and broke a family portrait of the four of us wearing four identical and disingenuous smiles.

I am going to turn twenty five soon. I still do not have the answers to these questions. Maybe I have turned into the adult I was afraid of turning into. But my New Year's resolution is to stop thinking.

Stop thinking. I will follow that idea this year. Anyway, it hurts my brain.
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